June 4, 2012 I looked out this window for the first time. I was overjoyed by the park-like campus and scenic view. My office was large and impressive. A full wall of windows afforded me the privilege of enjoying the view. I was part of the leadership team. I had title. I had authority. I had arrived. In my eyes I was now being recognized for the value that I bring. I had worked my life for this moment and now I was here. Esteem. Worth.
For two years I served as the Director of Governance at Diageo’s Relay, MD facility. I was respected. I was seen as the “senior statesman” on site; my boss viewed me as a confidante. My peers (the other directors at the site) sought my leadership and the value that I brought. Others looked to me to provide the sense of assurance that everything was alright. After all, I was responsible for risk management. I protected the brands that we all depended upon.
I was riding high.
Fast forward, January 8, 2014, less than two years later, I was given the news – my role was being eliminated and I was to be terminated in April. In one fell swoop my self image and sense of worth were dashed to pieces. Questions rushed to my head: What had I done wrong? What could I have done better? Why was this happening to me? My sense of value was brought into question as I wrestled with the reality that for the first time in my life there was a company that did not want to pay for what I offered. I had many jobs before. Yet, I always left them because I did not want to work for them. This was the first time that one asked me to leave because they did not want me to work for them.
I have taken a beating emotionally. It has been three months since that day. I have figured out where I went wrong, why I found myself vulnerable to the emotions of being let go. Layoffs are a natural part of business. In our climate today companies have no loyalty to their employees. Gone are the days of working for someone for 30+ years. I myself have had to let people go and I did so with the understanding that it was only business, not personal. Yet I took it personally. Why? Because I lost sight of where my value comes from. Like so many men I have defined myself by what I do. I find comfort in the knowledge and skills that I bring to my job everyday. The confidence I exude comes from years of doing what I do. And although I knew that I should not put so much stock in that, after being honest with myself, I realized that this was nothing more than a fact I understood in my head, yet my heart was far from it. I deceived myself into believing that I found my worth elsewhere. And when the proverbial carpet had been pulled from under my feet, I like so many others found myself on the floor wondering how I got there.
So what is the right answer? My head can give it to you: our worth is not found in what we do or even in who we are. Instead it is in Whose we are. It is not in what we can offer the world or others, but instead what has been offered for us. As I have navigated through these last few challenging weeks, my wife has been a bastion of support. She has tirelessly reminded me of her love for me and her undying loyalty to me and our situation. She has pointed me to another place, one not consumed on what has happened to me but instead forward facing, viewing my circumstances as an opportunity from God to draw closer to Him.
Two verses come to mind when I think about what I am trying to embrace through all of this. The first is an obscure verse in Isaiah:
Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you… (Isaiah 43:4-5a)
The LORD is speaking of Israel in this verse, a people who He had just previously declared to be deaf and blind, who He handed over to be plundered in judgment by their enemies. Yet, He declares His love for them, a love so deep and so intense that He will sacrifice nations for them. Reading this provided me the reality check that I so desperately needed. Paul summed it up nicely when he reminded the Corinthians:
You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. (1 Corinthians 7:23)
This phrase was an exact repeat from chapter 6. In the first it was about making sure we honor God with our bodies. In the second, it is about making sure we honor God with our loyalty. It is about serving Him and not others or even ourselves. So what is the justification for this primal devotion: God indeed gave a Person in exchange for us, a sacrifice that could not have been matched even if He had given nations. Jesus of Nazareth, the Only Begotten Son of God, died because the Father wanted everlasting relationship with me. And not just me alone, but with all who would call upon His Name.
As the dust has settled on my situation, I believe I finally get in my heart. My value indeed does not come from what I bring to the game. It comes from what God has given for me to be in the game.